i always say to myself "cmon girl, you will never be happy in this country cause the most of girls are more beautiful than you". but it's so difficult to say such words when you meet someone who is perfect.
vainly. today I completely understood it.
yes I was a bit offended, but...
... I met my ex-beloved whith whom we havnt see each other for half a year. and for a good reason :) I've felt myself to bad and said to him "pls, talk to me". and we went through rain, walked by manless streets, and he told nonsense cause he saw that I'm really unstable. well, we will never get married with him, but now I'm sure that we will be good friends.
 then when I've been in my hometown alone I was scared... loneliness again? yes, like never before. the rain was awfully hard, I had no umbrella, I just walk alone with 2 pockets of milk and only wish I had is to listen to someone in order to forget everything I feel.
  I have totally no ideas how to cope with all the crap I have in my life...

that's cool.
22:30, I was near my monitor after comin back from the city.
one of my best friends called me:
- Ira, where are you?
- at home O_O
- go upstairs, I havnt seen you for ages!

actually we havnt met since June and we always have many things to talk about. fresh air (in my town there is most fresh air in the world!), we were talking about anything but nothing... till 0:20. Maybe we would sit all the night, but my fingers and nose become frozen (the temerature now is +11!!!).

yes, he is really crazy - to come at night, to go 8 km by bike. only to talk to me.

last two days I spend near my computer. all this work with documents is so boring and drives we crazy.
at the eve I have no chance to stay more at home cause my fridge seemed to be empty. when I've got outside I felt completely mad cause it was difficult to understand who I am and who these people are.

i cant stop thinking about... damn.

I feel completely changed.
Yes, I’m not as beautiful as the most of Russian girls, maybe I ll never again have a chance to get married. I don’t care! While these beautiful girls grow fat while pregnant, while my ex-boyfriends engage with my ex-mates (they both united by hatred against me) I just enjoy this life and have time to build my career.
After this conference (again in Moscow) I see how much I’ve change in myself. Now I know what I want – 1,5-year internship somewhere in Europe (actually no matter). I’ll find it before May, I’m sure! I realized how much friends I have – true friends, how much I could miss them! What is more, now I became more self-confident than ever before. Maybe because I better understood myself and people around.
I need some rest. Maybe at the local conference this weekend?

now I've graduated.
what to do now...

ohhh... My dream to visit St Petersburg next month was broken.
I will sit at home and write my diploma.
I hate it.

first snow... * ** * * ** * *
* * *

I'm tired.
pile of applications to fill into xls file. Some of applicants are real dorks - they jeer at AIESEC.
I'm tired.
Tired of this bullshit life. I can't find job, significant other, ideology. I havn't got friends, own flat, children, successful career... Even my diploma will be the worst paper in my life.
I'm young, nice, clever girl, I'm very optimistic, however, when life is really bad what the hell I should keep silence. What the hell I'm stare at the monitor while my classmates give birth to thier first children...

time presses. tick-tock-tick-tock...

today my beloved said to our common friend that he want to marry me. we discussed it many times and decided to keep it in a secret.
I'm dissapointed. I don't know how to live with such light person.

6 hours before my trip to Moscow.
I’m mad girl. I don't know this city, I don’t want to take map with me. I don't know where I'll stay. I'm not sure that I have enough money to stay in Moscow for several days after conference before buying tickets - it's incredibly expensive. Moreover, I have no ideas how and when I'll get back cause there are no tickets.
It's OK. I'm a member of AIESEC. I'll survive everywhere.

OH... August is near... but I just begin to idle!
Next 2 semesters seems to be unuseful and the most brainfucking.
First of all - bachelor diploma on sociology. Frankly speaking, I don't know about what... and for what... I don't like my fucking major, but it's no chance to change it now. Maybe sociology gives me much more than economical cybernetics, management sciences and economics law, but still...
Last year I try to analyse models of women success but there are to much feministic theories. I hate this idiots and don't think that I'm inslaved by my beloved. moreover it seems normal to me when my man is better than me, otherwise for what I need him...
What shall I do the next... it's time to write theoretical part, because diploma is so complicated - we have to hold the whole sociological servey and nobody helps us to collect and analyse our data - only chiefs which are always busy :)

OK, my last (I hope it would be so) winter examinations. And a month later my final exam on the materials of 4 years of study. This questions should be uphold to commission of professors. It's really thier chance to fuck you in all possible ways. If one is failed this exam, he/she have to wait for a year without defending a diploma. And only then repass it and if failed again, he don't have a diploma at all. I like it so much! :)

Then at the end of Feb. I'll have elections on Executive Board of AIESEC on the role of vice-president of People Development. I won confidence of present vice presedent (Vika) by a chance and I should maintain my authority. It seems to be good start of future career.

And approximately in April I will have a predefence of diploma. Than in June defence (if all previous stages would be ok). And a week after I should apply to continue my education in the Center of European Studies. Or may be I'll try to apply at the Central European University in Poland. I'll try. I want to be a Master of sociology. Don't know for what but I want. Cause it's only way not to think that I'm fortuneless.

I can't imagine how much should I do not to fail as I did last semester (I passed my exam on PR very bad).

by the way, I know my WAY.
maybe.

FANTASTIC weekend!
We went to the ass - 25 km from the city. I wonder how people could live there. It's really impossible.
OK. Chinese girls are great. I admire of them, their talents. When I were in France I couldn't eat french food it's tasteless. Only small Chinese restaurants save me from dystrophy. Neveretheless, camera with the label "made in China" makes me chuckle.
British girls are nice - they are not so stiff as i thought. Unlike indian boy who wasn't smile at all.
I hate Turkish men but our trainee is so funny although looks nerdy a bit. When I do smth wrong my granny always say "You're Turk!" %)
Conferences are the good method to see how big our World is. Really, I extended my ownership, change my worldview.
Good preparation for visit to Moscow!

next week I should go to the conference at Moscow. Alone %G
Moreover, there are no tickets. Crazy crowd of ppl in crazy city.
The most expensive but not the most reach one.

Without any complaints. Only figures.
I'm 20. I need my own house, but I hope only for flat. For inherited flat.
House in detouched areas of city (with high criminality rate) costs about 400'000 $. New 3-roomed flat in the center (turnkey) - 300'000 $.
At the same time, average wage is about 250 $ per month.
Last summer we ran sociological servey in satellite town, where people earn less. Majority of them considered that buying any housing (the worst costs 37'000 $) isn't possible for them even if they have chance to use hypothec or government subsidy.
Of course, being a specimen of middle class I expect my start salary to be at least 300 $. Nevertheless, it means that it'll take 10 years to buy flat if only I would have a chance to invest all my salary and if inflation will be at the minimum.
I wonder, how it could be profitable to build about 20'000 new flats per year. For WHOM?
Such amount of money couldn't be earned. it only could be stolen...

there is a mess in my head
there is a pain in my neck
sometimes it's really terrifying to live where I live.
I'm not the same.

I have my hair cut. I love my hairdresser, her services cost 10-times less than of all ppl with her professional skills.
By the way, men around me (exept my beloved) don't think I'm beautiful (yes, I have very unusual face), so I can cut my hairs anytime. It will change nothing. I have other trump cards...
alas!

Some interesting facts about coffee.
My boyfriend likes coffee mixed with cola. Yes, once I try it... oh my GOD! It's better to drink washing powder!
In my native language way of writing the word "mocha" looks alike home word "urine". That's why when menu have English equivalent "mocha" is written as "mocca" or even "mocco". I was really surprised about it.
Nevertheless, I prefer home-made coffee with a piece of icecream or with crust of vanilla battered cream